The Kritical Review

2008-07-03T10:51:00.002-04:00

Chip Pickering Needs Fresh Pu$$y

2008-05-28T10:54:00.008-04:00

DISPATCH FROM THE FIELD: So another person has publicly announced that the president and his goons pretty much do nothing but make serious errors and don't care that they're always wrong and only care about winning, because every day is an election for Jesus. The difference this time is that that person is Scott McClellan, former buttboy and Press Secretary to the president. His book, to be released soon, details the terrible lies and propaganda that the administration spoon-fed to a lazy press corps and the stupid American public. He also notes how the President honestly can't remember if he ever did cocaine. I think that means that YES, he did LOTS of cocaine.

2008-02-15T12:16:00.006-05:00

Quitters Make the Angel Moroni Cry

Which way to the gun show, Mitt?

When we last left Mitto, he was a zillionaire asshole, probably still breeding busloads of Mormon children to burden our public schools. (Mitt Romney, public schools, I made a funny!) Anyway, none of that has changed, although he’s about $80 million poorer, since trying to win the presidency when everyone knows you’re a lying ass-faced monkey is an expensive venture. Mitto gave up the good fight last week or whenever the hell it was (has the 2008 election been going on since the Korean War or what?) when he realized America would rather elect a formerly fat Baptist preacher who doesn’t believe in great apes or Jews and has ten shiny nickels left in his campaign fund. Mitto gave all his delegates to McCain, because he doesn’t believe in letting poor people win anything.

2008-02-15T11:44:00.018-05:00

Fascist Workplace Elements

Wednesday's all-staff meeting.

You may have wondered, gentle reader, what evil forces silenced The Kritical Review for so long. Was it the NSA, the Office of the Vice President, or John Edward’s campaign? The powerful Zimbabwean security services, maybe a deranged Chavista with hacking skillz? Or was it simply the realization that blogging is fundamentally a narcissistic act, a selfish longing for attention? No, none of these obstacles were able to stop our quest for the awful truth. It was in fact my office’s medieval internet policy, which labeled The Kritical Review as ‘Potentially Malicious Content’, blocked at the same level as child pornography or convenient Chinese mail-order pharmacies. Sadly, the fight against fascism at the office each day tires me too much to make up all this crap at home. But the gods are smiling down upon you, dear peasant readers, because our evil IT department has re-labeled The Kritical Review as a mere social networking site, allowing employees to easily bypass our robotic censors. The march towards a better America begins anew.

2007-09-27T20:24:00.000-04:00

Bill O'Reilly Expresses Surprise Blacks Don't Kill, Eat Their Children

Excellence in broadcasting.

Bill O'Reilly ate with black people for the first time in his life earlier this month, and was surprised to learn they use utensils to eat and only defecate in restrooms, just like people at an "Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb". On Sunday, O'Reilly plans on attending the Folsom Street Fair to bridge the gap between leather daddy fetishists and GOP soccer moms. The lesson is DON'T HATE, APPRECIATE.

2007-09-27T13:06:00.001-04:00

President Bush: Bargain Hunter

The president sends a message to our nation's poor.

The budget battles have started to heat up here in Washington, and our thrifty president is putting his boot down on excessive spending by Congress. Two big-ticket items are being debated: the first is SCHIP, a program that subsidizes states for providing health insurance to low-income children. Although President Dookie never vetoed a spending bill sent to him by the GOP-controlled congress of his first term, an additional $30 billion (for a total of $60 billion) to insure kids for the next five years is apparently too much for him to stomach. When it comes to constant war however, the president wants to loosen Congress’ purse strings to the tune of some $190 billion, the largest annual budget request for war in American history. The cost of the War on Terror now tops $800 billion, or close to $2,700 per American. Remember when the Iraq War was only going to cost $10 billion and we’d all get free oil and Iraqi manservants to do our bidding? Shit, man.

2007-09-27T12:27:00.001-04:00

Who Would You Do?

I spent some time trolling around injection-molded plastic Botox queen Mitt Romney’s website, ogling his five sons as well as the long list of supporting blogs belonging to psychotic evangelicals and the like. Unfortunately, we’ve all missed the chance to dream up a new campaign ad for Mitt, but you can still give him money, if you think a rich billionaire needs your money more than you do. The Mittmonster has enlisted his five sons in his unholy campaign to buy our votes: they have an inane blog that demonstrates a business major’s grasp of language, as well as individual MySpace pages where they try to seem hip (The White Stripes are still cool, right?), even though they list their dad and Reagan as heroes. All of this spawn-whoring begs the question: Who Would You Do?

Ben
The (formerly) bearded, quiet son. Not into politics and not very involved with his father’s campaign, so maybe there’s something to like there. MAYBE AFTER A BOTTLE OF PINOT NOIR

Craig
The gay son. He looks annoying. He’s also younger and more successful than me. Asshole. PASS

Josh
Pretty studly at first glance, but the more you look at him, the more you see the overly generous nose and the dull, vacant expression of an HBS MBA student. MAYBE FROM BEHIND

Matt
Again, Matt looks good at first. Then you notice he’s pretty doughy. Having fifty children will do that to you. MAYBE FROM BEHIND

Tagg
Wow, you all got into Harvard? What a fun coincidence. Not because you’re all rich, privileged assholes or anything, I’m sure. ONLY FOR LOTS OF MONEY

One of my friends remarked no less than five times in a half hour that he definitely wanted to do Mitt Romney because he’s ‘so hot’, but if I may keep things in perspective, his last encounter was a blow job in a darkened Piggly Wiggly parking lot outside of San Antonio.

2007-09-20T13:55:00.001-04:00

Mitt Romney Would Like to Remind You He Hates the Gays the Most

More babies prefer gay parents to Mormon parents.

Sheisty abortionist Mitt Romney began running ads in Iowa reminding everyone that gay marriage makes Jesus cry and he thinks that’s wrong. The best line in the ad is when Mitto says, ‘As Republicans we must oppose discrimination and defend traditional marriage: one man, one woman.’ Haha, oppose discrimination, yeah right! The only discrimination Mittzoid hates is anti-Mormon asshole discrimination. I have a suspicion Mitt Romney himself makes Jesus cry, which is probably the reason he’s running behind even the crazed John McCain in polls.

2007-09-20T12:30:00.000-04:00

Chuck Norris Attacks Iraq!

Chuck's sweet moves defend liberty.

Six-time world professional karate champion and honorary Marine Chuck Norris has gone to Iraq to kill terrorists or something. He loves it there! Says Chuck, ‘It is so much safer and more relaxed, particularly in the Al Anbar province. It is so much better than often conveyed by the liberal media.’ So much better, the troops don’t even need leave time, because they’re already in Vacationland!

2007-09-20T10:10:00.000-04:00

What Did the Senate Do This Week?

The nursing home of doom.

The Senate had a rather productive week filled with a flurry of voting and the usual incessant senile banter. First, the Senate denied DC residents the right to any substantive federal representation. (They also neglected to remove the burden of federal taxation, so I guess we’re at least enough like a state to warrant that.) Senator Larry Craig rushed back just in time to squelch a lot of toilet-sex enjoying homosexuals’ civil rights.

Then, the Senate denied terrorism detainees the writ of habeas corpus, an antiquated notion that says people can ask a court why the fuck they’ve been in prison the last six-odd years. Now, watch us poop on a Koran. And the Constitution.

Finally yesterday, the Senate decided against letting American military personnel get an equivalent amount of leave time as they’ve spent on duty. Only Congress gets to do that.

All that, and it’s only Thursday. Next week is Send All Your Garbage to Your Senator Week, so remember to thank yours for everything.

2007-09-14T12:28:00.000-04:00

President Bush: Iraq is a Big Success, So We’ll Be There Forever!

Celebrating success.

The President updated the nation on his war effort last night, but continued to expose either a jarring level of stupidity or an easy willingness to lie. According to W, things are going great in Iraq; so great, that our soldiers will be there for the next hundred years. So great that the Iraqi government has demonstrated at least some progress toward only half of the benchmarks we’ve suggested. So great, that he’s already given this war to the next president to mop up. The only good news the president mentioned that wasn’t a fabrication was a reference to times ‘beyond [his] presidency,’ implying we will not have to suffer some sort of incompetent coup after his term expires. A figure often cited as the cost of the war so far is over $450 billion. A few calculations reveal the federal government could instead have used this money to send every American a check for almost $1,500! Or, you know, provide healthcare for people. Or stay in Iraq until our empire crumbles and we’re all squatting in ditches shoving berries up our noses. On to Tehran, hurrah!

2007-09-11T13:57:00.000-04:00

Condi spies some cheap jewelry at APEC.

2007-09-10T16:46:00.000-04:00

‘That Guy on TV’ Finally Enters Race

Two more reasons to support a woman's right to choose.

Fred Thompson officially entered the race last week on Jay Leno, ignoring the GOP debate like everyone else in America. The nation has been watching with disinterest for months as the announcement of his candidacy was hinted at and delayed almost every day. I’d call it teasing, but his candidacy isn’t something most people have been looking forward to. Some in the GOP think he is the answer to the lackluster enthusiasm for cross-dressing Rudy Giuliani and baby-eating Mitt Romney, but he actually combines unfortunate traits from both candidates such as being a slut while also coming off as moralistic and holier-than-thou. The former senator and Law and Order actor is actually running second in national polls of GOP presidential candidates, which just shows how unlikable and ignorant both the candidates and Republican primary voters are. Polls also show that he and every other GOP candidate would lose against any one of the Democratic candidates, save Bill Richardson, though Bill would manage to beat Mitt Romney.

2007-09-10T16:35:00.000-04:00

el Debato Democratico

Muchas putas estupidas.

Well, yesterday was Sunday so there was another Democratic debate. Not for the gays or the unionists but this time for the Latinos. It wasn’t all burritos and smiles though: the candidates were forbidden from habloing español. At least half of the questions were about immigration policy.

Highlights:

Hillary is so tough, she wants to build a wall around the whole country and between all of the states as well.

Denny K. wants to give the U.S. to Mexico.

Bill Richardson is Mexican and speaks Spanish whenever he wants. He’s also my mom’s top choice among the candidates.

Chris Dodd was in the Peace Corps (when, during the Spanish-American War?).

Univision wanted to have a GOP debate, but all the Republicans except for McCain told the Latinos to go back to Mexico. I like how the Dems are having three hundred debates for every one GOP debate.

2007-09-10T16:20:00.000-04:00

Senator Larry Craig Flip Flops: Does a Toilet Trial Loom on the Horizon?

Guilty, gay, but not yet gone.

First the toilet sex senator wasn’t gay or resigning but was guilty, then he intended to not be gay and later resign and regretted being guilty. Now he’s probably resigning but isn’t guilty, and we the public may soon get to feast on the spectacle of a toilet trial! One can only hope he’s stupid enough to keep this sideshow perking along. The nation deserves to hear more from America’s hero, Sgt. Dave Karsnia, of the dangers lurking in America’s toilets.

2007-08-30T17:01:00.001-04:00

I Would Totally Have Toilet Sex With This Cop

Sgt. Dave Karsnia, definitely worth a misdemeanor.

2007-08-30T16:45:00.000-04:00

Potpourri

Some Anglicans hate the gays so much, they decided to turn black.
Miss Teen South Carolina lashes out at her detractors. Don’t be jealous haters, y’all!
Everything you’ve always wanted to know about toilet sex, but have been afraid to ask.
Church overseers tell Haggard to shut up and get a job.
Tucker Carlson loves the gays and toilet justice.
People around the world all agree that Prez. Bush is a cancer on humanity.
Expensive govmint reports reveal the situation in Iraq is really shitty.
Condi is proud of her tight ass, hates cheap jewels, and makes a lot more money than you, mkay? All that, and the State Dept. is still in the shitter?

2007-08-29T13:09:00.001-04:00

Scandal Predictions
Republicans have been having a really rough go of it since the 2004 election, when I kept having recurring nightmares about the Weimar Republic’s collapse into the Third Reich. Whether by clawing at teenage interns’ nether regions, snorting coke and having toilet sex, or just plain old stealing money, Republicans have been crapping all over their own electability. While gross incompetence has pushed out the likes of Michael Brown (‘Brownie’), Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, and thankfully (finally), Alberto Gonzalez, their stories are more tortured and depressing than those involving drug-addled pervert legislators. The fun’s not over yet! Anyone who voted for the Defense of Marriage Act or likes sodomy statutes no doubt does so to hide their addiction to bestial toilet sex.

Vacations are over, school’s back in, and we’re all bored out of our minds and can’t wait several months to find out what these pervs are doing today. So, here are our scandal predictions for the fall:

Sam Brownback
Senator Brownback HATES HATES HATES the gays, but that’s just because the Senator likes to sneak off and volunteer as a human urinal at the DC Eagle.

Hillary Clinton
Gets caught chucking computer monitors onto cars from a Beltway overpass.

Dennis Hastert
Whale-like Dennis Hastert (I’m surprised that he’s even ambulatory) rolls onto and crushes a prostitute in Anacostia.

Mitt Romney
Goat toilet sex.

Basically, if you don’t hate everyone in Washington, you’re not paying attention.

2007-08-29T12:33:00.000-04:00

Meth for Jeezus

Shamed church leader Ted Haggard (the one who loves Jesus, male hookers, and crystal meth) has been soliciting donations to attend the University of Phoenix (LOL, yeah right, try buying male whores and drugs instead) as his family moves into ‘the Phoenix Dream Center’. Oh, also please send the funds either to him, or this organization run by a sex offender. He’d be especially blessed if you sent monthly checks. His church overseers are going to Phoenix to have a lil chat.

2007-08-28T17:18:00.001-04:00

If You’re a Republican, You’re Probably Gay

You'd have to pay $20 to suck dick too if you looked like this.

And definitely a pervert who enjoys molesting little boys, toilet sex, or both. Senator Larry Craig (never heard of him till yesterday), Republican from Idaho, was busted in June for trying to get some toilet action from an undercover cop. Craig has been outed several times since the early eighties (like last year when he had some toilet sex in Union Station restrooms), but he isn’t gay, of course. He just likes toilet sex with men. Also this week, the trial of Florida state representative (and Republican) Bob Allen begins. Allen was busted last month for offering an undercover officer $20 to suck his penis. His defense was that there were big scary black men around. To assure his safety, he offered the one peeing next to him money and oral satisfaction.

An unscientific survey I conducted of GOP Hill staffers in DC last year reveals that 97% are unable to orgasm without a pile of ground up Viagra and a nubile young goat. The need to defend the sanctity of marriage has never been more urgent.

2007-08-28T13:13:00.000-04:00

Potpourri

President Bush compares Iraq war to delicious pie.
Canadians are all so nice because they’re all so stoned.
Bush administration declares War on Mountains.
Karl Rove is gay? I’d hate to be that pubescent boy prostitute.

2007-08-20T12:11:00.000-04:00

Presidential Roundup: The Kritical Review Offers Alternatives

Hillary prepares to feed on a lower-ranking female.

The Democrats had what must have been their thousandth debate yesterday, covering no practical issues and offending everyone’s sense of reason and dignity. The only two Democrats anyone cares to imagine in the White House are Hillary and the Big O Man, characterized as Experience versus Change. Or you could frame it as Evil versus Incompetent. They both hate Republicans and the President, which while admirable, is a very easy thing to do these days. The only question Kucinich got was about God, who he hates. So the debate was lame and while I won’t declare a winner, I will declare the American people as the losers.

On the Republican side of things, Romney has been watching WAY TOO MANY Leave it to Beaver reruns. He has been focusing his attacks on Giuliani, mirroring the strategy adopted by Giuliani’s many former wives and bitter children. Giuliani meanwhile is still pretending to hate the gays and love his family, but both the gays and his family now hate him. Thankfully, the Republicans have no plans to hold a candidate debate, ever.

I had an intelligent person tell me last night she likes McCain, and it reminded me of when I used to think I liked McCain, back in the heady days before 9-11. But I promised to outline why he’s not a palatable option either. Here’s why:

"If you set a date for withdrawal… that's a date for surrender... It's going to be chaos, genocide, not only in Iraq but in the region." True, but we have chaos and genocide in Iraq right now, and it’s costing us about a billion dollars a day. Losing wars slowly for years and years is NOT the same thing as winning.
He is sucking the goods straight from the religious right’s anal cavity. He’s not one of those ‘cool, Western libertarian’ Republicans, he’s one of those Terri Schiavo feeding tube and cameras in everyone’s bedrooms Republicans.
He’s never going to win. His campaign has no money or salaried employees.
He’s old.

The good things about McCain are that he drinks and curses which makes him a lot better than Romney. Actually, there are lots of things that make him better than Romney, but that’s not exactly high praise.

It’s easy to be a Debbie Downer and hard to be proactive, but in order to save our democracy, the Kritical Review is offering a slate of independent candidates as alternatives to these big corporate shysters:

Jim Lehrer

Well-spoken, handsome, and refreshingly competent, Lehrer is the salve for the figurative rash on our civilization’s psyche caused by the two party jokers we’ve been dealing with for so long. Plus, I’ve never heard him voice an opinion. I love that in a man.

Oprah

Black AND a woman: why choose when you can have BOTH in a presidential candidate? Maternal and warm (unlike certain other female candidates), Oprah spreads the love across the Congressional aisle and might actually respect the Constitution.

Harry Potter

Only Harry Potter’s magic can save us now! Surely Harry can outwit the powerful forces of evil that suck lawyers and consultants from around this great nation into the black hole that is the Federal Government.

Nicholas Sarkozy

To represent the right wing, how about French President Nicholas Sarkozy? He hates people of color, the poor, and the French. Plus, I don’t think he speaks any English, which should keep him out of trouble.

Of course, there are countless more reasons to be disappointed in our government, but that’s a good place to begin the week.

2007-08-06T11:58:00.001-04:00

G.O.P. Debate: And You Thought the Dems’ Sucked

Head for the hills, people.

Here were ninety minutes of your life you’ll never have back. If you bothered watching it, which I doubt anybody did. One after the other, the candidates desperately tried to appeal to what they must have thought was a Nazi party rally. This being the Republican Party, their assumptions were not far off the mark. Despite their pandering to God, the Flag, and total idiots, a mere nineteen percent of Iowan GOPers are satisfied with their choices according to a WashPost poll in the state. Here are some reasons we might soon be better off living in Zimbabwe or Bangladesh:

Sam Brownback: Do you hate abortion? Not as much as Senator Brownback. I don’t think he talks about anything else. (True story: I once peed next to the Senator!) F

Rudolph Giuliani: Didn’t you used to like the gays and be cool? You said ‘knee-jerk liberal’. I prefer the term ‘thinking person’. We are so sick of your stupid Catholic jokes. You believe in God, we get it. F

Mike Huckabee: A 23% sales tax on everything? I thought you people wanted less taxes. We’re all very glad you’re not fat anymore. Now make everyone else in America not fat. I’d vote for that. F

Duncan Hunter: Representative Hunter thinks the Iraq War is ‘what this country needs,’ not trifles like healthcare or infrastructure improvement. F

John McCain: Just give up, already! Nobody on your staff gets paid anymore, you started liking W just when everyone else started hating him, and you are so shoved up the war’s ass, nobody who wants good things for America could ever vote for you. Get on the Straight Talk Express and go the F home. No wonder you’re ignoring the straw poll. F

Mitt Romney: Good Lord. Jane Fonda? Are you kidding me? Anyway, Mitt loves dead fetuses, but not as much as he loves money and power. His wife gives to Planned Parenthood, but probably only because she doesn’t want any other woman to have to go through what she did: shoving about thirty kids’ fat heads through her twat. F-

Tom Tancredo: If you were only allowed to institutionalize one debate participant, it would have to be Tommy boy. Tom wants to nuke Mecca and Medina because he thinks this would prevent terrorist attacks. He is proud that the State Department has labeled him ‘absolutely crazy.’ Mmmkay then. F-

Tommy Thompson: Tommy hates breast cancer. There’s a presidential platform if I’ve ever heard one. At least he doesn’t want to nuke holy cities. F

So there you have it, or most of it. You just don’t even want to know about the people I ignored. No wonder everyone in the GOP keeps picking none of the above in all the polls.

2007-07-30T11:20:00.001-04:00

Why Did Nobody Tell Me About This?

Things to look for: gay penis, feces monster, Blackface John.

Back in February, John Edwards’ Second Life HQ was vandalized by some virtual Republicans. I don’t know much about Second Life, but I know art, and this is art.

2007-07-30T11:07:00.000-04:00

Sexy People on the Hill?

Some of the tempting offerings to be found on the Hill.

Proof otherwise, actually. The Hill announced their Fifty Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill this week. Chock-full of Young Republican nerd boys and unremarkable female staffers in ugly, revealing (for DC) clothes, the contest also included a Most Beautiful Office (the staff, not the office décor) that wasn’t very beautiful at all. I think Congress needs to have Wear a Bag Over Your Head Day at the office, maybe on Thursdays.

2007.7.25

2007-07-25T18:29:00.000-04:00

Alberto Gonzalez: Everyone Knows He’s a Liar, Nobody Cares

Fuck me like you fuck over our nation.

What a shame I decided Alberto Gonzalez was yesterday’s Loser of the Day, because I want to do the same thing today. But this blog must maintain our standards of freshness, so we’ve got a new loser today. Berto faced some tough questioning about why the DoJ is turning into a giant shit factory, including when Judiciary Chairman Patrick Leahy said ‘I don’t trust you’ and when ranking Republican Arlen Specter asked ‘Mr. Attorney General, do you expect us to believe that?’ Still, I felt the senators went easy on him, because nobody threw anything at him. That’s what I would have done: nothing stops lies faster than a brick in the face.

Contemptuous Bitches

Josh Bolten rocks out.

Meanwhile, on the House side of things, Presidential Chief of Staff Josh Bolten and Supreme Court wannabe Harriet Miers were recommended by the House Judiciary Committee for contempt of Congress citations for not yet cooking up some lies for them. Actually, the White House offered to shuttle the two over the Hill for a little Q&A a while back, but said it must be conducted off the record, in the dark, and everyone participating needed to then be shot in the face afterwards. No takers yet. Oh, Josh Bolten’s band is called the Compassionates. He was a very close contender for Loser of the Day.

Hugo Chavez Doesn’t Want to Hear It

He should get that mole checked out.

Al Jazeera reports today that Hugo Chavez (the new Simon Bolivar, right?) plans to expel foreigners who say anything bad about him. The article says that ‘his statements came after Manuel Espino, the president of Mexico's conservative ruling party, criticized Chavez for seeking indefinite rule during a recent pro-democracy forum in Caracas.’ One wonders what he’s doing with the Venezuelans who criticize him. Chavez goes on to assure his people that he respects private property, even as he seeks constitutional changes that will make all property belong to him. He also has Angelina Jolie lips.

President Bush’s Surge of Facts

Someone asked the wrong question.

President Bush yesterday answered critics of his war policy with a regurgitation of some interesting facts. He continues to assert that Iraq caused 9/11 or something like that. It’s kind of hard to make out what he really thinks is going on despite how much he talks about it, probably because he’s such an idiot. The President made a big deal about the fact that it’s mostly foreigners who run Al Qaeda in Iraq, but that’s just because we’ve killed most of the Iraqis. Mahmoud Othman, a member of the Iraqi Parliament, points out that ‘before America came into Iraq we didn't have Al Qaeda in Iraq.’ There’s a fact for you.

Fancy Pants

The pants were at least worth $64,000 the other night.

Jin and Soo Chung recovered a good chunk of their legal expenses this week, after the American Tort Reform Association and the U.S. Chamber's Institute for Legal Reform co-hosted a benefit for them in DC this week. You’ll remember the Chungs were sued by DC judge Roy Pearson when they allegedly lost his pants. Judge Pearson lost his mind, asking for upwards of $60M, weeping at the trial, and best of all, continuing to patronize the Chung’s business throughout the litigation. Despite this, I reject calls for his firing. After all this is DC; it helps if you’re a crackwhore in this town. Puff puff give!

Loser of the Day: Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney prepares to set fire to a pile of books.

Mitt has been trolling around New Hampshire trying to convince people he’s the G.O.P. front-runner, despite being in fourth place nationally, even trailing an actor who hasn’t yet entered the race. He’s doing well in the Free State though, so he felt he could devote his time to trashing the Ds. He again said Hillary couldn’t get elected in France (neither can you, Mitto) and declared Democrats out of step with American voters, despite the fact that they’re all beating him in the polls. Republican voters don’t seem too keen on him either, as a recent poll showed a quarter of them preferring none of the above for the executive. To appeal to the average voter, he detailed the travails of owning a summer home and the time a rock damaged the propeller on his boat. I had a crackhead throw a rock at me last weekend, so I can relate.

Potpourri

Young Republicans love women. Just kidding, they like to rape women.
Nicolas Sarkozy tells the French to think less, work more. This sounds familiar.
The federal government has given dead people more than $1 billion.
It’s not all bad in the world: today was ice cream day at work, and my boss is out of town.

2007.7.24

2007-07-24T18:50:00.001-04:00

Democratic Debate Blows, American Democracy Nears Collapse

Comparing penis sizes at an earlier debate.

I was actually watching Beaches last night when I stumbled upon the debate of the Big Ds. (I missed the end where the lawyer chic died.) My immediate impulse was to change the channel, especially after I remembered that Anderson Cooper was moderating this video salad bar that CNN sneezed all over. We all suspect Anderson is a Friend of Dorothy, but recent allegations reveal he once worked for the Company and possibly still does. Proof enough the intelligence community is in a shambles. Evidence that our democracy is collapsing into some kind of idiot fascism with Weimar-esque speed came in the form of the YouTubers. One got to see the inside of many a parent’s basement and hear the angry diatribes of the underemployed and asocial.

I am however glad that I witnessed this spectacle. A few of the candidates managed to appear competent and even likeable for brief periods. But after seven years of George W. and Dick ‘Go Fuck Yourself’ Cheney, our expectations from leadership have been lowered to tragic depths. Just don’t nuke the whole world, okay?

Let’s review the participants in alpha order:

Joseph Biden: Wow, you’re poor! We have that in common. Biden seemed mostly sane, a feat not accomplished by the majority of the candidates. I hear he takes the train to work. C+

Hillary Clinton: Although I was impressed with the senator’s professionalism, I remember that she helped start the war in Iraq and that Newt Gingrich compliments her a lot. She was the clear winner of the debate, but only because the other candidates came off as crazy, stupid, or both. Bonus points: I liked her jacket. B-

Anderson Cooper: Not a candidate, but he definitely added to the feel of watching a Fox reality show set in an asylum. His whiny, high-pitched cadence interrupted all of the candidates at unfortunately regular intervals. Why does he talk about his gray hair so much? He’s probably a homosexual, but he’s definitely in love with himself. F

Christopher Dodd: Um, no thank you. You seemed crazy and didn’t say anything interesting. You also need to have your eyebrows threaded. F

John Edwards: We’ve heard all this before. I love how you are opposed to gay marriage but felt compelled to remind us your wife is not. I also love how you don’t want the racist or sexist vote, that’s great. You’re sincere. Sucka. F

Mike Gravel: Who the F are you? I’d never read his name until yesterday. Mike Gravel was very insulting and accusatory at the debate, which I liked. He pointed out that everyone onstage was money-grubbing trash, the slaves of evil corporations and foreign dictatorships, which we all know to be true. He sounded pretty nuts aside from that though, and didn’t have any great ideas. C-

Dennis Kucinich: I hear you brutha, but it’ll never happen. Poor Denny is a bit of a flake. Go veg! C-

Barack Obama: He should be a poet, not president. Everything he said reminded me of the innocuous but blindly patriotic crap in elementary history textbooks. You can tell he’s a big smokahontas from his voice. It borders on raspy. D

Bill Richardson: I can’t remember anything he said. The NRA loves him, I remember that. I also remember he was all over the radio screaming about maricones. Whatever, beaner. Ha ha, bigotry is funny. D-

YouTube Citizens: Where they tried to be cute, they failed. Where they tried to sound intelligent, they failed. These are the American people. This is why W was elected twice. F

All in all, the debate was a terrible disappointment. It was like going to an Old Country Buffet: being surrounded with choices, but sensing the nauseating outcome of each selection before you even taste it. The obvious reason the presidential election is beginning so flippin’ early is because we’re all so sick of W, Cheneysaurus and their stupid war. Not even Ann Coulter can pretend like she’s happy. Is she ever? Eat some food, girl. Man can’t live on broken glass and rusty nails alone.

Speaking of Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter sharing binge techniques at a recent pro-ana meeting.

Ann Coulter compared the Iraq war to World War II in her most recent musings and cleverly called Democrats the Treason Lobby. She also notes that Bush has demonstrated ‘successful prosecution’ of the War on Terror, since we’ve not been blown up since 9/11. She clearly includes Iraq in the War on Terror which suggests she is either quite stupid or doesn’t mind saying stupid things to screw idiot conservatives in places like Murfreesboro out of the cost of her latest book. Sometimes she’s good for a laugh, but her last column was weak.

President Bush: Sick Children Are Too Expensive

The President finger paints his solution to the healthcare crisis.

George W. visited a group of entrepreneurs today who weren’t very impressed with his ideas, reports the Washington Post. He used the occasion to place private insurance companies’ interests ahead of impoverished children’s. ‘I believe government cannot provide affordable health care,’ said W, who has wasted about a zillion dollars killing lots of people in Iraq. The President continues to labor under the false assumption that people give a shit about his opinions despite his track record of being totally wrong 100% of the time.

Senator Vitter: Forgiven by God

Senator Vitter with some prostitute interns.

The Reading Eagle reports that Louisiana Senator David Vitter (says he) has received forgiveness from God and his wife. Vitter also notes that he is ‘so very, very sorry’. Curiously, he believes it is his ‘admission [that] has incurred some longtime political enemies,’ not the hypocritical, privacy-invading politics that have defined his career. Vitter also draws a stark line between soliciting prostitutes in DC and doing the same in Louisiana, completely denying the latter despite reports from the Times-Picayune suggesting he really loves hookers down there too. I imagine this episode will only further compel him to defend the sanctity of marriage, as recently-legalized civil unions are the obvious reason his marriage is falling apart. Either that or he’s just a big fat slut.

Tony Blair: Crackhead?

Tony Blair demonstrates how he will bring peace to the Middle East.

Tony Blair looks at the Middle East in his new role as envoy of the Quartet and sees possibility and opportunity reports the VoA. He must know where to buy the good crack, not that shit they sell in my alley. Not without a sense of reality, Tony understands the difficulties ahead of him and is lowering expectations already: ‘…whether that sense of possibility can be translated into something that is something that needs to be worked at and thought about over time.’ The Middle East is already a whole lot of something something, just nothing very good. Good luck with all that.

Robert Mugabe Nominated for Nobel Prize in Economics

Mugabe, splainin' the virtues of a 4,500% inflation rate.

Robert Mugabe today outlined more brilliant economic policies, defending price freezes meant to stave off inflation that has been caused by Britain, of course. Mugabe called price and rent hikes ‘inexplicable’ and blamed would-be coup plotters (because hyper-inflation has no affect on prices as we all know). He also suggested plans to nationalize foreign companies before the next election, as if any will be left in Zimbabwe by then. He drove up to Parliament in a Rolls Royce. Mugo makes colonialism look like Camp Snoopy.

Loser of the Day: Alberto Gonzalez

Berto, seen here with Dennis Alvarado, who looks as if he’s about to eat the AG.

Alberto Gonzalez tells Congress he wants to repair the damage at the DoJ despite the fact that he is the damage at the DoJ. This is either perjurious satire or a comment on the administration’s staggering disconnect from reality. It is interesting that nobody likes him, not even in the Justice Department, yet nobody really expects him to leave office either. I suppose this one will go the way of Donald Rumsfeld, with the rotten political corpse kept around until the putrescence keeps even the untouchables in the administration away. ‘I’ve never been one to quit,’ says Gonzalez who maintains he will not leave Justice under a cloud. Some people, lacking dignity, also lack shame.

Potpourri

Further proof Karl Rove is an evil political hack, but not a genius. You can’t shovel that much pig shit without people starting to notice the smell.

Moderate Turkish Islamists: less zealous, corrupt than the G.O.P.

More reasons to hate the French? No, more reasons to hate Mitt Romney.

Some bitch was totally drunk at my birthday last weekend and fell from the deck onto my Casa Blanca lilies. I put them in a vase anyway and they are covering up the smell of dog pee all over the house. Hallelujah!