2007.7.25

Alberto Gonzalez: Everyone Knows He’s a Liar, Nobody Cares

Fuck me like you fuck over our nation.

What a shame I decided Alberto Gonzalez was yesterday’s Loser of the Day, because I want to do the same thing today. But this blog must maintain our standards of freshness, so we’ve got a new loser today. Berto faced some tough questioning about why the DoJ is turning into a giant shit factory, including when Judiciary Chairman Patrick Leahy said ‘I don’t trust you’ and when ranking Republican Arlen Specter asked ‘Mr. Attorney General, do you expect us to believe that?’ Still, I felt the senators went easy on him, because nobody threw anything at him. That’s what I would have done: nothing stops lies faster than a brick in the face.

Contemptuous Bitches

Josh Bolten rocks out.

Meanwhile, on the House side of things, Presidential Chief of Staff Josh Bolten and Supreme Court wannabe Harriet Miers were recommended by the House Judiciary Committee for contempt of Congress citations for not yet cooking up some lies for them. Actually, the White House offered to shuttle the two over the Hill for a little Q&A a while back, but said it must be conducted off the record, in the dark, and everyone participating needed to then be shot in the face afterwards. No takers yet. Oh, Josh Bolten’s band is called the Compassionates. He was a very close contender for Loser of the Day.

Hugo Chavez Doesn’t Want to Hear It

He should get that mole checked out.

Al Jazeera reports today that Hugo Chavez (the new Simon Bolivar, right?) plans to expel foreigners who say anything bad about him. The article says that ‘his statements came after Manuel Espino, the president of Mexico's conservative ruling party, criticized Chavez for seeking indefinite rule during a recent pro-democracy forum in Caracas.’ One wonders what he’s doing with the Venezuelans who criticize him. Chavez goes on to assure his people that he respects private property, even as he seeks constitutional changes that will make all property belong to him. He also has Angelina Jolie lips.

President Bush’s Surge of Facts

Someone asked the wrong question.

President Bush yesterday answered critics of his war policy with a regurgitation of some interesting facts. He continues to assert that Iraq caused 9/11 or something like that. It’s kind of hard to make out what he really thinks is going on despite how much he talks about it, probably because he’s such an idiot. The President made a big deal about the fact that it’s mostly foreigners who run Al Qaeda in Iraq, but that’s just because we’ve killed most of the Iraqis. Mahmoud Othman, a member of the Iraqi Parliament, points out that ‘before America came into Iraq we didn't have Al Qaeda in Iraq.’ There’s a fact for you.

Fancy Pants

The pants were at least worth $64,000 the other night.

Jin and Soo Chung recovered a good chunk of their legal expenses this week, after the American Tort Reform Association and the U.S. Chamber's Institute for Legal Reform co-hosted a benefit for them in DC this week. You’ll remember the Chungs were sued by DC judge Roy Pearson when they allegedly lost his pants. Judge Pearson lost his mind, asking for upwards of $60M, weeping at the trial, and best of all, continuing to patronize the Chung’s business throughout the litigation. Despite this, I reject calls for his firing. After all this is DC; it helps if you’re a crackwhore in this town. Puff puff give!

Loser of the Day: Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney prepares to set fire to a pile of books.

Mitt has been trolling around New Hampshire trying to convince people he’s the G.O.P. front-runner, despite being in fourth place nationally, even trailing an actor who hasn’t yet entered the race. He’s doing well in the Free State though, so he felt he could devote his time to trashing the Ds. He again said Hillary couldn’t get elected in France (neither can you, Mitto) and declared Democrats out of step with American voters, despite the fact that they’re all beating him in the polls. Republican voters don’t seem too keen on him either, as a recent poll showed a quarter of them preferring none of the above for the executive. To appeal to the average voter, he detailed the travails of owning a summer home and the time a rock damaged the propeller on his boat. I had a crackhead throw a rock at me last weekend, so I can relate.

Potpourri

• Young Republicans love women. Just kidding, they like to rape women.
• Nicolas Sarkozy tells the French to think less, work more. This sounds familiar.
• The federal government has given dead people more than $1 billion.
• It’s not all bad in the world: today was ice cream day at work, and my boss is out of town.