G.O.P. Debate: And You Thought the Dems’ Sucked

Head for the hills, people.

Here were ninety minutes of your life you’ll never have back. If you bothered watching it, which I doubt anybody did. One after the other, the candidates desperately tried to appeal to what they must have thought was a Nazi party rally. This being the Republican Party, their assumptions were not far off the mark. Despite their pandering to God, the Flag, and total idiots, a mere nineteen percent of Iowan GOPers are satisfied with their choices according to a WashPost poll in the state. Here are some reasons we might soon be better off living in Zimbabwe or Bangladesh:

Sam Brownback: Do you hate abortion? Not as much as Senator Brownback. I don’t think he talks about anything else. (True story: I once peed next to the Senator!) F

Rudolph Giuliani: Didn’t you used to like the gays and be cool? You said ‘knee-jerk liberal’. I prefer the term ‘thinking person’. We are so sick of your stupid Catholic jokes. You believe in God, we get it. F

Mike Huckabee: A 23% sales tax on everything? I thought you people wanted less taxes. We’re all very glad you’re not fat anymore. Now make everyone else in America not fat. I’d vote for that. F

Duncan Hunter: Representative Hunter thinks the Iraq War is ‘what this country needs,’ not trifles like healthcare or infrastructure improvement. F

John McCain: Just give up, already! Nobody on your staff gets paid anymore, you started liking W just when everyone else started hating him, and you are so shoved up the war’s ass, nobody who wants good things for America could ever vote for you. Get on the Straight Talk Express and go the F home. No wonder you’re ignoring the straw poll. F

Mitt Romney: Good Lord. Jane Fonda? Are you kidding me? Anyway, Mitt loves dead fetuses, but not as much as he loves money and power. His wife gives to Planned Parenthood, but probably only because she doesn’t want any other woman to have to go through what she did: shoving about thirty kids’ fat heads through her twat. F-

Tom Tancredo: If you were only allowed to institutionalize one debate participant, it would have to be Tommy boy. Tom wants to nuke Mecca and Medina because he thinks this would prevent terrorist attacks. He is proud that the State Department has labeled him ‘absolutely crazy.’ Mmmkay then. F-

Tommy Thompson: Tommy hates breast cancer. There’s a presidential platform if I’ve ever heard one. At least he doesn’t want to nuke holy cities. F

So there you have it, or most of it. You just don’t even want to know about the people I ignored. No wonder everyone in the GOP keeps picking none of the above in all the polls.