If You’re a Republican, You’re Probably Gay

You'd have to pay $20 to suck dick too if you looked like this.

And definitely a pervert who enjoys molesting little boys, toilet sex, or both. Senator Larry Craig (never heard of him till yesterday), Republican from Idaho, was busted in June for trying to get some toilet action from an undercover cop. Craig has been outed several times since the early eighties (like last year when he had some toilet sex in Union Station restrooms), but he isn’t gay, of course. He just likes toilet sex with men. Also this week, the trial of Florida state representative (and Republican) Bob Allen begins. Allen was busted last month for offering an undercover officer $20 to suck his penis. His defense was that there were big scary black men around. To assure his safety, he offered the one peeing next to him money and oral satisfaction.

An unscientific survey I conducted of GOP Hill staffers in DC last year reveals that 97% are unable to orgasm without a pile of ground up Viagra and a nubile young goat. The need to defend the sanctity of marriage has never been more urgent.