Quitters Make the Angel Moroni Cry

Which way to the gun show, Mitt?

When we last left Mitto, he was a zillionaire asshole, probably still breeding busloads of Mormon children to burden our public schools. (Mitt Romney, public schools, I made a funny!) Anyway, none of that has changed, although he’s about $80 million poorer, since trying to win the presidency when everyone knows you’re a lying ass-faced monkey is an expensive venture. Mitto gave up the good fight last week or whenever the hell it was (has the 2008 election been going on since the Korean War or what?) when he realized America would rather elect a formerly fat Baptist preacher who doesn’t believe in great apes or Jews and has ten shiny nickels left in his campaign fund. Mitto gave all his delegates to McCain, because he doesn’t believe in letting poor people win anything.

Fascist Workplace Elements

Wednesday's all-staff meeting.

You may have wondered, gentle reader, what evil forces silenced The Kritical Review for so long. Was it the NSA, the Office of the Vice President, or John Edward’s campaign? The powerful Zimbabwean security services, maybe a deranged Chavista with hacking skillz? Or was it simply the realization that blogging is fundamentally a narcissistic act, a selfish longing for attention? No, none of these obstacles were able to stop our quest for the awful truth. It was in fact my office’s medieval internet policy, which labeled The Kritical Review as ‘Potentially Malicious Content’, blocked at the same level as child pornography or convenient Chinese mail-order pharmacies. Sadly, the fight against fascism at the office each day tires me too much to make up all this crap at home. But the gods are smiling down upon you, dear peasant readers, because our evil IT department has re-labeled The Kritical Review as a mere social networking site, allowing employees to easily bypass our robotic censors. The march towards a better America begins anew.