2007.7.24

Democratic Debate Blows, American Democracy Nears Collapse

Comparing penis sizes at an earlier debate.

I was actually watching Beaches last night when I stumbled upon the debate of the Big Ds. (I missed the end where the lawyer chic died.) My immediate impulse was to change the channel, especially after I remembered that Anderson Cooper was moderating this video salad bar that CNN sneezed all over. We all suspect Anderson is a Friend of Dorothy, but recent allegations reveal he once worked for the Company and possibly still does. Proof enough the intelligence community is in a shambles. Evidence that our democracy is collapsing into some kind of idiot fascism with Weimar-esque speed came in the form of the YouTubers. One got to see the inside of many a parent’s basement and hear the angry diatribes of the underemployed and asocial.

I am however glad that I witnessed this spectacle. A few of the candidates managed to appear competent and even likeable for brief periods. But after seven years of George W. and Dick ‘Go Fuck Yourself’ Cheney, our expectations from leadership have been lowered to tragic depths. Just don’t nuke the whole world, okay?

Let’s review the participants in alpha order:

Joseph Biden: Wow, you’re poor! We have that in common. Biden seemed mostly sane, a feat not accomplished by the majority of the candidates. I hear he takes the train to work. C+

Hillary Clinton: Although I was impressed with the senator’s professionalism, I remember that she helped start the war in Iraq and that Newt Gingrich compliments her a lot. She was the clear winner of the debate, but only because the other candidates came off as crazy, stupid, or both. Bonus points: I liked her jacket. B-

Anderson Cooper: Not a candidate, but he definitely added to the feel of watching a Fox reality show set in an asylum. His whiny, high-pitched cadence interrupted all of the candidates at unfortunately regular intervals. Why does he talk about his gray hair so much? He’s probably a homosexual, but he’s definitely in love with himself. F

Christopher Dodd: Um, no thank you. You seemed crazy and didn’t say anything interesting. You also need to have your eyebrows threaded. F

John Edwards: We’ve heard all this before. I love how you are opposed to gay marriage but felt compelled to remind us your wife is not. I also love how you don’t want the racist or sexist vote, that’s great. You’re sincere. Sucka. F

Mike Gravel: Who the F are you? I’d never read his name until yesterday. Mike Gravel was very insulting and accusatory at the debate, which I liked. He pointed out that everyone onstage was money-grubbing trash, the slaves of evil corporations and foreign dictatorships, which we all know to be true. He sounded pretty nuts aside from that though, and didn’t have any great ideas. C-

Dennis Kucinich: I hear you brutha, but it’ll never happen. Poor Denny is a bit of a flake. Go veg! C-

Barack Obama: He should be a poet, not president. Everything he said reminded me of the innocuous but blindly patriotic crap in elementary history textbooks. You can tell he’s a big smokahontas from his voice. It borders on raspy. D

Bill Richardson: I can’t remember anything he said. The NRA loves him, I remember that. I also remember he was all over the radio screaming about maricones. Whatever, beaner. Ha ha, bigotry is funny. D-

YouTube Citizens: Where they tried to be cute, they failed. Where they tried to sound intelligent, they failed. These are the American people. This is why W was elected twice. F

All in all, the debate was a terrible disappointment. It was like going to an Old Country Buffet: being surrounded with choices, but sensing the nauseating outcome of each selection before you even taste it. The obvious reason the presidential election is beginning so flippin’ early is because we’re all so sick of W, Cheneysaurus and their stupid war. Not even Ann Coulter can pretend like she’s happy. Is she ever? Eat some food, girl. Man can’t live on broken glass and rusty nails alone.

Speaking of Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter sharing binge techniques at a recent pro-ana meeting.

Ann Coulter compared the Iraq war to World War II in her most recent musings and cleverly called Democrats the Treason Lobby. She also notes that Bush has demonstrated ‘successful prosecution’ of the War on Terror, since we’ve not been blown up since 9/11. She clearly includes Iraq in the War on Terror which suggests she is either quite stupid or doesn’t mind saying stupid things to screw idiot conservatives in places like Murfreesboro out of the cost of her latest book. Sometimes she’s good for a laugh, but her last column was weak.

President Bush: Sick Children Are Too Expensive

The President finger paints his solution to the healthcare crisis.

George W. visited a group of entrepreneurs today who weren’t very impressed with his ideas, reports the Washington Post. He used the occasion to place private insurance companies’ interests ahead of impoverished children’s. ‘I believe government cannot provide affordable health care,’ said W, who has wasted about a zillion dollars killing lots of people in Iraq. The President continues to labor under the false assumption that people give a shit about his opinions despite his track record of being totally wrong 100% of the time.

Senator Vitter: Forgiven by God

Senator Vitter with some prostitute interns.

The Reading Eagle reports that Louisiana Senator David Vitter (says he) has received forgiveness from God and his wife. Vitter also notes that he is ‘so very, very sorry’. Curiously, he believes it is his ‘admission [that] has incurred some longtime political enemies,’ not the hypocritical, privacy-invading politics that have defined his career. Vitter also draws a stark line between soliciting prostitutes in DC and doing the same in Louisiana, completely denying the latter despite reports from the Times-Picayune suggesting he really loves hookers down there too. I imagine this episode will only further compel him to defend the sanctity of marriage, as recently-legalized civil unions are the obvious reason his marriage is falling apart. Either that or he’s just a big fat slut.

Tony Blair: Crackhead?

Tony Blair demonstrates how he will bring peace to the Middle East.

Tony Blair looks at the Middle East in his new role as envoy of the Quartet and sees possibility and opportunity reports the VoA. He must know where to buy the good crack, not that shit they sell in my alley. Not without a sense of reality, Tony understands the difficulties ahead of him and is lowering expectations already: ‘…whether that sense of possibility can be translated into something that is something that needs to be worked at and thought about over time.’ The Middle East is already a whole lot of something something, just nothing very good. Good luck with all that.

Robert Mugabe Nominated for Nobel Prize in Economics

Mugabe, splainin' the virtues of a 4,500% inflation rate.

Robert Mugabe today outlined more brilliant economic policies, defending price freezes meant to stave off inflation that has been caused by Britain, of course. Mugabe called price and rent hikes ‘inexplicable’ and blamed would-be coup plotters (because hyper-inflation has no affect on prices as we all know). He also suggested plans to nationalize foreign companies before the next election, as if any will be left in Zimbabwe by then. He drove up to Parliament in a Rolls Royce. Mugo makes colonialism look like Camp Snoopy.

Loser of the Day: Alberto Gonzalez

Berto, seen here with Dennis Alvarado, who looks as if he’s about to eat the AG.

Alberto Gonzalez tells Congress he wants to repair the damage at the DoJ despite the fact that he is the damage at the DoJ. This is either perjurious satire or a comment on the administration’s staggering disconnect from reality. It is interesting that nobody likes him, not even in the Justice Department, yet nobody really expects him to leave office either. I suppose this one will go the way of Donald Rumsfeld, with the rotten political corpse kept around until the putrescence keeps even the untouchables in the administration away. ‘I’ve never been one to quit,’ says Gonzalez who maintains he will not leave Justice under a cloud. Some people, lacking dignity, also lack shame.

Potpourri

• Further proof Karl Rove is an evil political hack, but not a genius. You can’t shovel that much pig shit without people starting to notice the smell.

• Moderate Turkish Islamists: less zealous, corrupt than the G.O.P.

• More reasons to hate the French? No, more reasons to hate Mitt Romney.

• Some bitch was totally drunk at my birthday last weekend and fell from the deck onto my Casa Blanca lilies. I put them in a vase anyway and they are covering up the smell of dog pee all over the house. Hallelujah!