Who Would You Do?

I spent some time trolling around injection-molded plastic Botox queen Mitt Romney’s website, ogling his five sons as well as the long list of supporting blogs belonging to psychotic evangelicals and the like. Unfortunately, we’ve all missed the chance to dream up a new campaign ad for Mitt, but you can still give him money, if you think a rich billionaire needs your money more than you do. The Mittmonster has enlisted his five sons in his unholy campaign to buy our votes: they have an inane blog that demonstrates a business major’s grasp of language, as well as individual MySpace pages where they try to seem hip (The White Stripes are still cool, right?), even though they list their dad and Reagan as heroes. All of this spawn-whoring begs the question: Who Would You Do?

Ben
The (formerly) bearded, quiet son. Not into politics and not very involved with his father’s campaign, so maybe there’s something to like there. MAYBE AFTER A BOTTLE OF PINOT NOIR

Craig
The gay son. He looks annoying. He’s also younger and more successful than me. Asshole. PASS

Josh
Pretty studly at first glance, but the more you look at him, the more you see the overly generous nose and the dull, vacant expression of an HBS MBA student. MAYBE FROM BEHIND

Matt
Again, Matt looks good at first. Then you notice he’s pretty doughy. Having fifty children will do that to you. MAYBE FROM BEHIND

Tagg
Wow, you all got into Harvard? What a fun coincidence. Not because you’re all rich, privileged assholes or anything, I’m sure. ONLY FOR LOTS OF MONEY

One of my friends remarked no less than five times in a half hour that he definitely wanted to do Mitt Romney because he’s ‘so hot’, but if I may keep things in perspective, his last encounter was a blow job in a darkened Piggly Wiggly parking lot outside of San Antonio.