I Would Totally Have Toilet Sex With This Cop

Sgt. Dave Karsnia, definitely worth a misdemeanor.

Potpourri

• Some Anglicans hate the gays so much, they decided to turn black.
• Miss Teen South Carolina lashes out at her detractors. Don’t be jealous haters, y’all!
• Everything you’ve always wanted to know about toilet sex, but have been afraid to ask.
• Church overseers tell Haggard to shut up and get a job.
• Tucker Carlson loves the gays and toilet justice.
• People around the world all agree that Prez. Bush is a cancer on humanity.
• Expensive govmint reports reveal the situation in Iraq is really shitty.
• Condi is proud of her tight ass, hates cheap jewels, and makes a lot more money than you, mkay? All that, and the State Dept. is still in the shitter?

Scandal Predictions
Republicans have been having a really rough go of it since the 2004 election, when I kept having recurring nightmares about the Weimar Republic’s collapse into the Third Reich. Whether by clawing at teenage interns’ nether regions, snorting coke and having toilet sex, or just plain old stealing money, Republicans have been crapping all over their own electability. While gross incompetence has pushed out the likes of Michael Brown (‘Brownie’), Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, and thankfully (finally), Alberto Gonzalez, their stories are more tortured and depressing than those involving drug-addled pervert legislators. The fun’s not over yet! Anyone who voted for the Defense of Marriage Act or likes sodomy statutes no doubt does so to hide their addiction to bestial toilet sex.

Vacations are over, school’s back in, and we’re all bored out of our minds and can’t wait several months to find out what these pervs are doing today. So, here are our scandal predictions for the fall:

Sam Brownback
Senator Brownback HATES HATES HATES the gays, but that’s just because the Senator likes to sneak off and volunteer as a human urinal at the DC Eagle.

Hillary Clinton
Gets caught chucking computer monitors onto cars from a Beltway overpass.

Dennis Hastert
Whale-like Dennis Hastert (I’m surprised that he’s even ambulatory) rolls onto and crushes a prostitute in Anacostia.

Mitt Romney
Goat toilet sex.

Basically, if you don’t hate everyone in Washington, you’re not paying attention.

Meth for Jeezus

Shamed church leader Ted Haggard (the one who loves Jesus, male hookers, and crystal meth) has been soliciting donations to attend the University of Phoenix (LOL, yeah right, try buying male whores and drugs instead) as his family moves into ‘the Phoenix Dream Center’. Oh, also please send the funds either to him, or this organization run by a sex offender. He’d be especially blessed if you sent monthly checks. His church overseers are going to Phoenix to have a lil chat.

If You’re a Republican, You’re Probably Gay

You'd have to pay $20 to suck dick too if you looked like this.

And definitely a pervert who enjoys molesting little boys, toilet sex, or both. Senator Larry Craig (never heard of him till yesterday), Republican from Idaho, was busted in June for trying to get some toilet action from an undercover cop. Craig has been outed several times since the early eighties (like last year when he had some toilet sex in Union Station restrooms), but he isn’t gay, of course. He just likes toilet sex with men. Also this week, the trial of Florida state representative (and Republican) Bob Allen begins. Allen was busted last month for offering an undercover officer $20 to suck his penis. His defense was that there were big scary black men around. To assure his safety, he offered the one peeing next to him money and oral satisfaction.

An unscientific survey I conducted of GOP Hill staffers in DC last year reveals that 97% are unable to orgasm without a pile of ground up Viagra and a nubile young goat. The need to defend the sanctity of marriage has never been more urgent.

Potpourri

• President Bush compares Iraq war to delicious pie.
• Canadians are all so nice because they’re all so stoned.
• Bush administration declares War on Mountains.
• Karl Rove is gay? I’d hate to be that pubescent boy prostitute.

Presidential Roundup: The Kritical Review Offers Alternatives

Hillary prepares to feed on a lower-ranking female.

The Democrats had what must have been their thousandth debate yesterday, covering no practical issues and offending everyone’s sense of reason and dignity. The only two Democrats anyone cares to imagine in the White House are Hillary and the Big O Man, characterized as Experience versus Change. Or you could frame it as Evil versus Incompetent. They both hate Republicans and the President, which while admirable, is a very easy thing to do these days. The only question Kucinich got was about God, who he hates. So the debate was lame and while I won’t declare a winner, I will declare the American people as the losers.

On the Republican side of things, Romney has been watching WAY TOO MANY Leave it to Beaver reruns. He has been focusing his attacks on Giuliani, mirroring the strategy adopted by Giuliani’s many former wives and bitter children. Giuliani meanwhile is still pretending to hate the gays and love his family, but both the gays and his family now hate him. Thankfully, the Republicans have no plans to hold a candidate debate, ever.

I had an intelligent person tell me last night she likes McCain, and it reminded me of when I used to think I liked McCain, back in the heady days before 9-11. But I promised to outline why he’s not a palatable option either. Here’s why:

• "If you set a date for withdrawal… that's a date for surrender... It's going to be chaos, genocide, not only in Iraq but in the region." True, but we have chaos and genocide in Iraq right now, and it’s costing us about a billion dollars a day. Losing wars slowly for years and years is NOT the same thing as winning.
• He is sucking the goods straight from the religious right’s anal cavity. He’s not one of those ‘cool, Western libertarian’ Republicans, he’s one of those Terri Schiavo feeding tube and cameras in everyone’s bedrooms Republicans.
• He’s never going to win. His campaign has no money or salaried employees.
• He’s old.

The good things about McCain are that he drinks and curses which makes him a lot better than Romney. Actually, there are lots of things that make him better than Romney, but that’s not exactly high praise.

It’s easy to be a Debbie Downer and hard to be proactive, but in order to save our democracy, the Kritical Review is offering a slate of independent candidates as alternatives to these big corporate shysters:

Jim Lehrer

Well-spoken, handsome, and refreshingly competent, Lehrer is the salve for the figurative rash on our civilization’s psyche caused by the two party jokers we’ve been dealing with for so long. Plus, I’ve never heard him voice an opinion. I love that in a man.

Oprah

Black AND a woman: why choose when you can have BOTH in a presidential candidate? Maternal and warm (unlike certain other female candidates), Oprah spreads the love across the Congressional aisle and might actually respect the Constitution.

Harry Potter

Only Harry Potter’s magic can save us now! Surely Harry can outwit the powerful forces of evil that suck lawyers and consultants from around this great nation into the black hole that is the Federal Government.

Nicholas Sarkozy

To represent the right wing, how about French President Nicholas Sarkozy? He hates people of color, the poor, and the French. Plus, I don’t think he speaks any English, which should keep him out of trouble.

Of course, there are countless more reasons to be disappointed in our government, but that’s a good place to begin the week.

G.O.P. Debate: And You Thought the Dems’ Sucked

Head for the hills, people.

Here were ninety minutes of your life you’ll never have back. If you bothered watching it, which I doubt anybody did. One after the other, the candidates desperately tried to appeal to what they must have thought was a Nazi party rally. This being the Republican Party, their assumptions were not far off the mark. Despite their pandering to God, the Flag, and total idiots, a mere nineteen percent of Iowan GOPers are satisfied with their choices according to a WashPost poll in the state. Here are some reasons we might soon be better off living in Zimbabwe or Bangladesh:

Sam Brownback: Do you hate abortion? Not as much as Senator Brownback. I don’t think he talks about anything else. (True story: I once peed next to the Senator!) F

Rudolph Giuliani: Didn’t you used to like the gays and be cool? You said ‘knee-jerk liberal’. I prefer the term ‘thinking person’. We are so sick of your stupid Catholic jokes. You believe in God, we get it. F

Mike Huckabee: A 23% sales tax on everything? I thought you people wanted less taxes. We’re all very glad you’re not fat anymore. Now make everyone else in America not fat. I’d vote for that. F

Duncan Hunter: Representative Hunter thinks the Iraq War is ‘what this country needs,’ not trifles like healthcare or infrastructure improvement. F

John McCain: Just give up, already! Nobody on your staff gets paid anymore, you started liking W just when everyone else started hating him, and you are so shoved up the war’s ass, nobody who wants good things for America could ever vote for you. Get on the Straight Talk Express and go the F home. No wonder you’re ignoring the straw poll. F

Mitt Romney: Good Lord. Jane Fonda? Are you kidding me? Anyway, Mitt loves dead fetuses, but not as much as he loves money and power. His wife gives to Planned Parenthood, but probably only because she doesn’t want any other woman to have to go through what she did: shoving about thirty kids’ fat heads through her twat. F-

Tom Tancredo: If you were only allowed to institutionalize one debate participant, it would have to be Tommy boy. Tom wants to nuke Mecca and Medina because he thinks this would prevent terrorist attacks. He is proud that the State Department has labeled him ‘absolutely crazy.’ Mmmkay then. F-

Tommy Thompson: Tommy hates breast cancer. There’s a presidential platform if I’ve ever heard one. At least he doesn’t want to nuke holy cities. F

So there you have it, or most of it. You just don’t even want to know about the people I ignored. No wonder everyone in the GOP keeps picking none of the above in all the polls.