Chip Pickering Needs Fresh Pu$$y

DISPATCH FROM THE FIELD: So another person has publicly announced that the president and his goons pretty much do nothing but make serious errors and don't care that they're always wrong and only care about winning, because every day is an election for Jesus. The difference this time is that that person is Scott McClellan, former buttboy and Press Secretary to the president. His book, to be released soon, details the terrible lies and propaganda that the administration spoon-fed to a lazy press corps and the stupid American public. He also notes how the President honestly can't remember if he ever did cocaine. I think that means that YES, he did LOTS of cocaine.

Quitters Make the Angel Moroni Cry

Which way to the gun show, Mitt?

When we last left Mitto, he was a zillionaire asshole, probably still breeding busloads of Mormon children to burden our public schools. (Mitt Romney, public schools, I made a funny!) Anyway, none of that has changed, although he’s about $80 million poorer, since trying to win the presidency when everyone knows you’re a lying ass-faced monkey is an expensive venture. Mitto gave up the good fight last week or whenever the hell it was (has the 2008 election been going on since the Korean War or what?) when he realized America would rather elect a formerly fat Baptist preacher who doesn’t believe in great apes or Jews and has ten shiny nickels left in his campaign fund. Mitto gave all his delegates to McCain, because he doesn’t believe in letting poor people win anything.

Fascist Workplace Elements

Wednesday's all-staff meeting.

You may have wondered, gentle reader, what evil forces silenced The Kritical Review for so long. Was it the NSA, the Office of the Vice President, or John Edward’s campaign? The powerful Zimbabwean security services, maybe a deranged Chavista with hacking skillz? Or was it simply the realization that blogging is fundamentally a narcissistic act, a selfish longing for attention? No, none of these obstacles were able to stop our quest for the awful truth. It was in fact my office’s medieval internet policy, which labeled The Kritical Review as ‘Potentially Malicious Content’, blocked at the same level as child pornography or convenient Chinese mail-order pharmacies. Sadly, the fight against fascism at the office each day tires me too much to make up all this crap at home. But the gods are smiling down upon you, dear peasant readers, because our evil IT department has re-labeled The Kritical Review as a mere social networking site, allowing employees to easily bypass our robotic censors. The march towards a better America begins anew.

Bill O'Reilly Expresses Surprise Blacks Don't Kill, Eat Their Children

Excellence in broadcasting.

Bill O'Reilly ate with black people for the first time in his life earlier this month, and was surprised to learn they use utensils to eat and only defecate in restrooms, just like people at an "Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb". On Sunday, O'Reilly plans on attending the Folsom Street Fair to bridge the gap between leather daddy fetishists and GOP soccer moms. The lesson is DON'T HATE, APPRECIATE.

President Bush: Bargain Hunter

The president sends a message to our nation's poor.

The budget battles have started to heat up here in Washington, and our thrifty president is putting his boot down on excessive spending by Congress. Two big-ticket items are being debated: the first is SCHIP, a program that subsidizes states for providing health insurance to low-income children. Although President Dookie never vetoed a spending bill sent to him by the GOP-controlled congress of his first term, an additional $30 billion (for a total of $60 billion) to insure kids for the next five years is apparently too much for him to stomach. When it comes to constant war however, the president wants to loosen Congress’ purse strings to the tune of some $190 billion, the largest annual budget request for war in American history. The cost of the War on Terror now tops $800 billion, or close to $2,700 per American. Remember when the Iraq War was only going to cost $10 billion and we’d all get free oil and Iraqi manservants to do our bidding? Shit, man.

Who Would You Do?

I spent some time trolling around injection-molded plastic Botox queen Mitt Romney’s website, ogling his five sons as well as the long list of supporting blogs belonging to psychotic evangelicals and the like. Unfortunately, we’ve all missed the chance to dream up a new campaign ad for Mitt, but you can still give him money, if you think a rich billionaire needs your money more than you do. The Mittmonster has enlisted his five sons in his unholy campaign to buy our votes: they have an inane blog that demonstrates a business major’s grasp of language, as well as individual MySpace pages where they try to seem hip (The White Stripes are still cool, right?), even though they list their dad and Reagan as heroes. All of this spawn-whoring begs the question: Who Would You Do?

Ben
The (formerly) bearded, quiet son. Not into politics and not very involved with his father’s campaign, so maybe there’s something to like there. MAYBE AFTER A BOTTLE OF PINOT NOIR

Craig
The gay son. He looks annoying. He’s also younger and more successful than me. Asshole. PASS

Josh
Pretty studly at first glance, but the more you look at him, the more you see the overly generous nose and the dull, vacant expression of an HBS MBA student. MAYBE FROM BEHIND

Matt
Again, Matt looks good at first. Then you notice he’s pretty doughy. Having fifty children will do that to you. MAYBE FROM BEHIND

Tagg
Wow, you all got into Harvard? What a fun coincidence. Not because you’re all rich, privileged assholes or anything, I’m sure. ONLY FOR LOTS OF MONEY

One of my friends remarked no less than five times in a half hour that he definitely wanted to do Mitt Romney because he’s ‘so hot’, but if I may keep things in perspective, his last encounter was a blow job in a darkened Piggly Wiggly parking lot outside of San Antonio.

Mitt Romney Would Like to Remind You He Hates the Gays the Most

More babies prefer gay parents to Mormon parents.

Sheisty abortionist Mitt Romney began running ads in Iowa reminding everyone that gay marriage makes Jesus cry and he thinks that’s wrong. The best line in the ad is when Mitto says, ‘As Republicans we must oppose discrimination and defend traditional marriage: one man, one woman.’ Haha, oppose discrimination, yeah right! The only discrimination Mittzoid hates is anti-Mormon asshole discrimination. I have a suspicion Mitt Romney himself makes Jesus cry, which is probably the reason he’s running behind even the crazed John McCain in polls.

Chuck Norris Attacks Iraq!

Chuck's sweet moves defend liberty.

Six-time world professional karate champion and honorary Marine Chuck Norris has gone to Iraq to kill terrorists or something. He loves it there! Says Chuck, ‘It is so much safer and more relaxed, particularly in the Al Anbar province. It is so much better than often conveyed by the liberal media.’ So much better, the troops don’t even need leave time, because they’re already in Vacationland!

What Did the Senate Do This Week?

The nursing home of doom.

The Senate had a rather productive week filled with a flurry of voting and the usual incessant senile banter. First, the Senate denied DC residents the right to any substantive federal representation. (They also neglected to remove the burden of federal taxation, so I guess we’re at least enough like a state to warrant that.) Senator Larry Craig rushed back just in time to squelch a lot of toilet-sex enjoying homosexuals’ civil rights.

Then, the Senate denied terrorism detainees the writ of habeas corpus, an antiquated notion that says people can ask a court why the fuck they’ve been in prison the last six-odd years. Now, watch us poop on a Koran. And the Constitution.

Finally yesterday, the Senate decided against letting American military personnel get an equivalent amount of leave time as they’ve spent on duty. Only Congress gets to do that.

All that, and it’s only Thursday. Next week is Send All Your Garbage to Your Senator Week, so remember to thank yours for everything.

President Bush: Iraq is a Big Success, So We’ll Be There Forever!

Celebrating success.

The President updated the nation on his war effort last night, but continued to expose either a jarring level of stupidity or an easy willingness to lie. According to W, things are going great in Iraq; so great, that our soldiers will be there for the next hundred years. So great that the Iraqi government has demonstrated at least some progress toward only half of the benchmarks we’ve suggested. So great, that he’s already given this war to the next president to mop up. The only good news the president mentioned that wasn’t a fabrication was a reference to times ‘beyond [his] presidency,’ implying we will not have to suffer some sort of incompetent coup after his term expires. A figure often cited as the cost of the war so far is over $450 billion. A few calculations reveal the federal government could instead have used this money to send every American a check for almost $1,500! Or, you know, provide healthcare for people. Or stay in Iraq until our empire crumbles and we’re all squatting in ditches shoving berries up our noses. On to Tehran, hurrah!

Condi spies some cheap jewelry at APEC.