Bill O'Reilly Expresses Surprise Blacks Don't Kill, Eat Their Children

Excellence in broadcasting.

Bill O'Reilly ate with black people for the first time in his life earlier this month, and was surprised to learn they use utensils to eat and only defecate in restrooms, just like people at an "Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb". On Sunday, O'Reilly plans on attending the Folsom Street Fair to bridge the gap between leather daddy fetishists and GOP soccer moms. The lesson is DON'T HATE, APPRECIATE.

President Bush: Bargain Hunter

The president sends a message to our nation's poor.

The budget battles have started to heat up here in Washington, and our thrifty president is putting his boot down on excessive spending by Congress. Two big-ticket items are being debated: the first is SCHIP, a program that subsidizes states for providing health insurance to low-income children. Although President Dookie never vetoed a spending bill sent to him by the GOP-controlled congress of his first term, an additional $30 billion (for a total of $60 billion) to insure kids for the next five years is apparently too much for him to stomach. When it comes to constant war however, the president wants to loosen Congress’ purse strings to the tune of some $190 billion, the largest annual budget request for war in American history. The cost of the War on Terror now tops $800 billion, or close to $2,700 per American. Remember when the Iraq War was only going to cost $10 billion and we’d all get free oil and Iraqi manservants to do our bidding? Shit, man.

Who Would You Do?

I spent some time trolling around injection-molded plastic Botox queen Mitt Romney’s website, ogling his five sons as well as the long list of supporting blogs belonging to psychotic evangelicals and the like. Unfortunately, we’ve all missed the chance to dream up a new campaign ad for Mitt, but you can still give him money, if you think a rich billionaire needs your money more than you do. The Mittmonster has enlisted his five sons in his unholy campaign to buy our votes: they have an inane blog that demonstrates a business major’s grasp of language, as well as individual MySpace pages where they try to seem hip (The White Stripes are still cool, right?), even though they list their dad and Reagan as heroes. All of this spawn-whoring begs the question: Who Would You Do?

Ben
The (formerly) bearded, quiet son. Not into politics and not very involved with his father’s campaign, so maybe there’s something to like there. MAYBE AFTER A BOTTLE OF PINOT NOIR

Craig
The gay son. He looks annoying. He’s also younger and more successful than me. Asshole. PASS

Josh
Pretty studly at first glance, but the more you look at him, the more you see the overly generous nose and the dull, vacant expression of an HBS MBA student. MAYBE FROM BEHIND

Matt
Again, Matt looks good at first. Then you notice he’s pretty doughy. Having fifty children will do that to you. MAYBE FROM BEHIND

Tagg
Wow, you all got into Harvard? What a fun coincidence. Not because you’re all rich, privileged assholes or anything, I’m sure. ONLY FOR LOTS OF MONEY

One of my friends remarked no less than five times in a half hour that he definitely wanted to do Mitt Romney because he’s ‘so hot’, but if I may keep things in perspective, his last encounter was a blow job in a darkened Piggly Wiggly parking lot outside of San Antonio.

Mitt Romney Would Like to Remind You He Hates the Gays the Most

More babies prefer gay parents to Mormon parents.

Sheisty abortionist Mitt Romney began running ads in Iowa reminding everyone that gay marriage makes Jesus cry and he thinks that’s wrong. The best line in the ad is when Mitto says, ‘As Republicans we must oppose discrimination and defend traditional marriage: one man, one woman.’ Haha, oppose discrimination, yeah right! The only discrimination Mittzoid hates is anti-Mormon asshole discrimination. I have a suspicion Mitt Romney himself makes Jesus cry, which is probably the reason he’s running behind even the crazed John McCain in polls.

Chuck Norris Attacks Iraq!

Chuck's sweet moves defend liberty.

Six-time world professional karate champion and honorary Marine Chuck Norris has gone to Iraq to kill terrorists or something. He loves it there! Says Chuck, ‘It is so much safer and more relaxed, particularly in the Al Anbar province. It is so much better than often conveyed by the liberal media.’ So much better, the troops don’t even need leave time, because they’re already in Vacationland!

What Did the Senate Do This Week?

The nursing home of doom.

The Senate had a rather productive week filled with a flurry of voting and the usual incessant senile banter. First, the Senate denied DC residents the right to any substantive federal representation. (They also neglected to remove the burden of federal taxation, so I guess we’re at least enough like a state to warrant that.) Senator Larry Craig rushed back just in time to squelch a lot of toilet-sex enjoying homosexuals’ civil rights.

Then, the Senate denied terrorism detainees the writ of habeas corpus, an antiquated notion that says people can ask a court why the fuck they’ve been in prison the last six-odd years. Now, watch us poop on a Koran. And the Constitution.

Finally yesterday, the Senate decided against letting American military personnel get an equivalent amount of leave time as they’ve spent on duty. Only Congress gets to do that.

All that, and it’s only Thursday. Next week is Send All Your Garbage to Your Senator Week, so remember to thank yours for everything.

President Bush: Iraq is a Big Success, So We’ll Be There Forever!

Celebrating success.

The President updated the nation on his war effort last night, but continued to expose either a jarring level of stupidity or an easy willingness to lie. According to W, things are going great in Iraq; so great, that our soldiers will be there for the next hundred years. So great that the Iraqi government has demonstrated at least some progress toward only half of the benchmarks we’ve suggested. So great, that he’s already given this war to the next president to mop up. The only good news the president mentioned that wasn’t a fabrication was a reference to times ‘beyond [his] presidency,’ implying we will not have to suffer some sort of incompetent coup after his term expires. A figure often cited as the cost of the war so far is over $450 billion. A few calculations reveal the federal government could instead have used this money to send every American a check for almost $1,500! Or, you know, provide healthcare for people. Or stay in Iraq until our empire crumbles and we’re all squatting in ditches shoving berries up our noses. On to Tehran, hurrah!

Condi spies some cheap jewelry at APEC.

‘That Guy on TV’ Finally Enters Race

Two more reasons to support a woman's right to choose.

Fred Thompson officially entered the race last week on Jay Leno, ignoring the GOP debate like everyone else in America. The nation has been watching with disinterest for months as the announcement of his candidacy was hinted at and delayed almost every day. I’d call it teasing, but his candidacy isn’t something most people have been looking forward to. Some in the GOP think he is the answer to the lackluster enthusiasm for cross-dressing Rudy Giuliani and baby-eating Mitt Romney, but he actually combines unfortunate traits from both candidates such as being a slut while also coming off as moralistic and holier-than-thou. The former senator and Law and Order actor is actually running second in national polls of GOP presidential candidates, which just shows how unlikable and ignorant both the candidates and Republican primary voters are. Polls also show that he and every other GOP candidate would lose against any one of the Democratic candidates, save Bill Richardson, though Bill would manage to beat Mitt Romney.

el Debato Democratico

Muchas putas estupidas.

Well, yesterday was Sunday so there was another Democratic debate. Not for the gays or the unionists but this time for the Latinos. It wasn’t all burritos and smiles though: the candidates were forbidden from habloing español. At least half of the questions were about immigration policy.

Highlights:

Hillary is so tough, she wants to build a wall around the whole country and between all of the states as well.

Denny K. wants to give the U.S. to Mexico.

Bill Richardson is Mexican and speaks Spanish whenever he wants. He’s also my mom’s top choice among the candidates.

Chris Dodd was in the Peace Corps (when, during the Spanish-American War?).

Univision wanted to have a GOP debate, but all the Republicans except for McCain told the Latinos to go back to Mexico. I like how the Dems are having three hundred debates for every one GOP debate.

Senator Larry Craig Flip Flops: Does a Toilet Trial Loom on the Horizon?

Guilty, gay, but not yet gone.

First the toilet sex senator wasn’t gay or resigning but was guilty, then he intended to not be gay and later resign and regretted being guilty. Now he’s probably resigning but isn’t guilty, and we the public may soon get to feast on the spectacle of a toilet trial! One can only hope he’s stupid enough to keep this sideshow perking along. The nation deserves to hear more from America’s hero, Sgt. Dave Karsnia, of the dangers lurking in America’s toilets.